Break, brake, and/or accelerate?

    So here I come after such a long time in silence. To be honest, I forgot about this little thinking corner of mine. 

    I quit my job this summer at the Consular school. It has been a wonderful, WONDERFUL time, all those 6 years with the kids and I'm sure in September I'll be silently screaming for just a little more time with them. 

    How cute this is, right? My pupil wrote me 8 days after our last meeting. She says so heartwarming things I melted right away and wanted to hug the World. I am so grateful to be a teacher!

    But I decided to move on, and hold hands with my future self - now I just hope that I didn't release my old self too soon because I still look for something to hang on to.

    For months I studied German at a great local language school and passed my first exam with no problem (B1), and frankly... after fitting into my group, I damn enjoyed the whole process!

    Then I found an opportunity to work again, starting soon, still in education. When I applied for it, I thought - and everyone else too - that THIS IS IT. This has been sent by destiny, I'm just the right one for this role. I was so enthusiastic... I wrote my letter almost eagerly, to show that the job description of it almost called my name. I felt like I could not blow this up! And I was so happy when I got my first email and the first positive responses about my application, cv, experiences, etc.

    I had two interviews (one I felt excellent and one "okay, been better"), and after... no responses, even when I asked for it in an extra email. What happened, I don't know, but it made me think and had just way too many ideas. 

    First, of course: what have I done? or said? or not done or not said? What's missing? Or have they done some research about me and found something that's not sufficient if their eyes? (Even A. said that is not possible...)

    And then: do I fit in even, really? Are they looking for someone with my experience? Maybe a rookie would fit better because he/she is more adjustable, or? Do I fit in there, if I can't even imagine to avoid responding such an email I wrote about their decision? (In my eye, it's such a great value to respect everyone on any level this much...) What if they don't share this opinion?

    And finally... again... what if it comes from me? What if they see on me, that I'm not desperate? I'm not craving for this job or any kind of job?! I'm just looking for my place in the world, I would like to find that space where I - like a puzzle piece - fit in perfectly. Where I can help kids and support the rest of the school staff, where I can make people happy and feel safe and great, and where I can go on with all the development that's imaginable for me. where I can use all the languages I've ever learned and meet new cultures by others around me... What if they don't see this, how brilliantly simple I match with this position?!

So... if they don't, then I have to leave this opportunity and have to find my way further. Let's see how it goes.

Crisis of values - in my own view

Maybe not even values, but Values, with capital letters. Alright, seems a bit overdramatized, but still...
So once I had a post about "leaving" in a different way, how bad, sad and furious I felt about the whole thing, and I took it way too personal. Altough the case was more complicated...
Time after time I have to look back on my work and reassess al those guiding principles I live my life with - both professionally and generally.
However, nowadays I kinda feel like I'm too oldschool, a bit inflexible, maybe even rigid, or timid? I don't want to admit "my things" as bad/disadvantageous attributes. I see them as a good basic of a reliable and responsible person and/or workforce for most of associations I could think of. I hold on. I stick. I stay. I help. I give as much as I can, and I put my tasks on the top of my priorities, 99% of the cases even way before my own interests. And I don't want to kick up my unwritten rules. Plus I want to give a good example and talk about them sometimes.
Sometimes I even think that I live with a software of our grandparents. I don't want to give up, I don't want to quit, and I certainly do everything to avoid others to feel disappointed in me. I hardly never let my feeling burst out just like that, altough my sense of justice sometimes screams inside. (Even that one time I "shouted out" here, I sipped it back and I felt shame about my feelings afterwards.
Nevertheless those feelings were real and valid.)
You know what? I do miss those values from others. And they are covering themselves... so inncocent, these cases are just happening with them, they just coundn't make a change on anything. Hypocrites. They leave for comfy reasons. They give up general principles because it was too hard to follow them. They could be cowards, maybe even bad-temprered, they could be also too lazy... who knows?
But I want to make things better. I want changes in there: take respontibility! Get yourself together and give your best! Stay solid and rational. Be diplomatic. Be professional. Follow the RULES, but think as wide as you can IN THE SYSTEM (because they who know the boundaries can actually get out of the box). And listen, it's important to listen to others. Consider your choices and decide not only for your comfort, but for the others too. Remember what you've done, said, thought. And again: take more responsibility! And stay HUMAN in the classical meaning. Be generous, because in the end of the day this is the only thing what lets you stare into the mirror eye-to-eye, and then lets you sleep with the thought that you've done everything the best way you could. These are the real values - in my eyes.

I had a very interesting experience lately. I visited a school nearby, such a modern, nice facility with all the colours (I mean on paints on the walls and colourful doors, desks etc. + colourful ideas for life and teaching too!), bright kids and positive faculties, everything seemed to be just so perfect - for learning and for teaching as well. But there comes a turn: they seemed to be a little bit less interested about people's (opinion on- and offline). Not about mine, not about others. That is just so sad. (And let's say the opposite: they are very interested indeed. But then why do they let others feel this way? Do you feel the irony here, the vicious circle what I can see?)

And I had a very sad influence in my private life as well. This person let me down so badly. And doesn't care really. Hurted me pretty bad and never came to me with a simple word: "sorry".

I can't help but wonder: shouldn't we care about others opinions? Is it a good way to live a life or run a company (or a school) with such an ease? Is it really a stressless living like that? Shouldn't we care about the image what we form in others? Is it now an important or non-important thing?

Fresh start

So there was this weird thought a couple of years ago (because a lot of things I read in English about education) that I might have a blog - or maybe only a section in my already existing one - in English.

Maybe now is the time to start it.*

A mágikus tudat csendes halála - avagy a mindennapi grincsek idejének eljöveteléről

Vissza tudsz-e emlékezni arra, amikor a szüleiddel együtt daloltatok a csukott ajtó mögött, várva a Mikulást, hogy a kívülre helyezett tiszta kiscsizmádat megtöltse finomságokkal? Vagy arra, milyen érzés volt várni az angyalkára izgatottan, s a szomszéd szobából hallgatózni, mikor hallod meg végre azt az édes kis csengettyűszót? Fel tudod-e idézni, hogy milyen hosszan maradt meg benned a "gólyás-méhes-pillangós állapot"? Régi mesékre emlékszel-e még - na és a hangokra, amik azokat mesélték?
Van-e igényed arra, hogy a gyermeked higgyen a fenti dolgokban? Erősebb-e benned a mese és a mesélés iránti szeretet, mint a dolgok puszta dokumentálása, és a "véres valóság" közlése, ha a kisgyermekedről, kisgyermekekről van szó?
Nem? Hát rá se ránts, végülis így is lehet élni...

Burnout

"Anyway, like I was saying, I had a lot of company. My Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that's what my running was all about. I had run for three years, two months, fourteen days, and sixteen hours...  And just like that, my running days was over."

Ha bárkinek nem lett volna egyértelmű, ez a Forrest Gump című örökbecsű film szövegéből egy kis részlet, egy igen szuper jelenetből, amikor Forrest egyszercsak abbahagyja a futást. Kiég, elfárad.
De közben... hogyan is nézhetnénk ezt a jelenetet szomorú szemmel? Hiszen olyan szellemesen egyszerű módon fejezte ki magát, olyan találóan, akár ha egymagában is ezt a pár sort/pillanatot nézzük, akár az egészet, akkor is olyan...biztató.

Örökségek

Épp most olvastam a legutóbb megjelent Vekerdy-interjút, és mint annyi interjú és a könyvei olvasása után is megint eszembe furakodik egy gondolat, amelyet - milyen természetesnek tűnik ezt leírni - szorongás övez.
Szarjam le az iskolát?
De hiszen én imádom az iskolát!